What is a Graveside Service?
When it is at last time to say goodbye to our loved ones, whether it involves the dedication of a casket or an urn containing their remains to the earth or other final resting place like a mausoleum crypt or columbarium niche, the scripted ceremony and the rituals within it is called a graveside service.
Known also as a committal service, it can be performed in addition to or in lieu of a funeral, but is usually shorter often due to climate concerns – too hot, too cold, too windy, too wet etc. Seating is another factor affecting the length of the ceremony and can be provided, but usually is not, and therefore some are not able to stand for a long time. A graveside service can be the only remembrance event, or it can take place before a memorial to be held some time later.
In non-traditional school of thought, a graveside service could also be used to describe a ceremony involving the scattering of ashes, whether on land or water. One would have a more ‘outside the box’ type of thinking that the wind was the ethereal grave and therefore all of the earth, wherever the wind blows, would be that person’s grave. Alternatively, a burial at sea, and the accompanying ritual around it would, to this way of thinking, allow the mourners to associate the water over the earth as the bed where their loved one rests.
I have had the honour and privilege of accompanying family and friends to the side of the grave of their loved one. Leading their thoughts, prayers, and actions as the last tribute and gesture of respect to who the individual was in the reality of daily life is not to be taken lightly. Not that I agonize about what to say at all, but rather, I spend a great deal of thought, research and time crafting the perfect words. My goal is to not only allow tears to flow, but to somehow lift the spirits of those left behind to carry on without the someone who meant so much to them.
How Many People Attend a Graveside Service?
In normal times, before the world began to grapple with the devastation of the Covid-19 pandemic, any number of people would attend a graveside service. The people who would be invited to be present would be at the discretion of family and their collective wishes. Whether there was preference given to the immediate family of the deceased or the ceremony was open to the public was a personal choice of whomever had the final say as the family representative.
Many graveside services take place immediately following a funeral at a chapel, church, or other venue. There is often a caravan of vehicles ushered in the saddest of parades led by the hearse on route to the graveyard. An announcement is usually made immediately following the service about whether guests are invited to share in the intimacy of the burial. The number of people was not governed by any law or government regulation, though certain cemeteries may have had guidelines related to practical matters like space and parking.
As I write this article in 2020, the government of the area I live in has restricted indoor gatherings to 10 and outdoor ones to 25. These public health restrictions include mask wearing and physical distancing. Subsequently it is much more difficult to make decisions as to who can attend the final resting place and who cannot. It is therefore important to check with the funeral home and cemetery on this matter. Recording the service or live streaming where possible are helpful alternatives when mourners must be excluded from in person participation.
How to Plan a Graveside Service?
There are practical steps in a logical order to help plan a graveside service. Ultimately the quality of the ceremony is related to the care, time, and expertise of the individual or individuals crafting the script.
It is of course most effective if a professional is hired to walk you through these steps and assisting in guidance of family members as they co-create the service. A qualified writer and speaker who has been trained in personalized ceremony creation is well worth the investment.
The following steps and tips will guide decision making and help families plan meaningful personalized services:
- Upon a death it is important to retrieve all significant documents to give a clear view as to the decedents wishes – in a will for instance. Ownership of a cemetery plot can also be determined and whether a pre-planned funeral was purchased or not.
- Whether or not cremation has taken place is important in deciding when the interment or inurnment will take place. Weather also plays a factor especially in northern climates, during the time of year that the ground is frozen solid, and graves cannot be excavated. In the cases of both my parents who died during Canadian winters and were cremated, each of their graveside services were planned for the spring.
- Deciding where the service will take place in most cases involves the ownership of a plot in a cemetery. Perhaps family members or the individual who died own a plot. If so, it is best to check with the cemetery office as to availability of space within the plot and to confirm a date and time. If not, a plot must be purchased. Check around with various cemeteries as to availability, the location of the plot and the costs involved. You may want to investigate green burial options in your area, to do your part for the environment, in which case Google is your friend. As you weigh your options, it is important to ask yourself some questions like is it somewhere convenient for immediate family to visit? Do you feel comfortable with the rules about visiting, decorating the grave etc.?
- Select a container, either a casket or an urn. Consider unique options that speak to the decedents character and interests.
- Select an officiant who reflects your beliefs and values. Ask for recommendations from friends and family. Narrow down prospects to three people and interview them. In making your choice, understand that this person is responsible for cradling your grief and helping you journey through some of the most difficult days you will encounter.
- Get together under the guidance of your selected officiant. This is a sharing time set aside to reminisce, look at pictures and videos with family and close friends. In person is best of course, but Zoom or Skype meetings have been the next best thing during the pandemic or with people living at great distance from one another. One of the blessings of meeting virtually is the opportunity to record these reflections which is a comfort that the grieving can hold to their hearts over the years.
- Discuss details with the funeral director. Learn about the fees for each requirement from opening and closing the grave, set up of chairs, table, tent if applicable, to the transportation of immediately family as well as your loved one, among many other details.
- Arrange to have story written down. There is nothing more cherished than having a person’s life story written down to be shared during the service, whether it be at a funeral, memorial or graveside. When I write about someone, it is not so much a biography as it is a capture of that person’s life essence. Everyone who wants to can communicate directly with me to contribute through tributes and answers to an on-line questionnaire that I share. From the sharing meeting and other responses from people, I get a clear picture of the beloved’s life story. Ritual is then created around their story, the most personalized way possible. In this way, focus is on a celebration of their life and not the emphasis on the cause or the timing of their demise.
- Create invitations and distribute either by email or on social media. If there is enough time, paper invitations can be mailed.
- Crafting meaningful rituals. When much more is known about a person, it makes sense to include something about them and ‘ritualize’ it. For instance, when my best friend died from complications of diabetes, I knew that she almost always had a disposable water bottle at hand. She was not only ill, but blind and bedridden much of the time and this was easiest for her. (I get the environmental impact.) Directly below is an excerpt from the graveside service that you may find helpful.
Excerpt from a Graveside Service
Interment with Broken Water Bottle
Welcome.
On behalf of Brian and the family, thank you for being here. To lose a wife, a sister, a family member, a friend, is an enormously painful experience, and Angela was certainly too young to depart. Her recent illness did not prepare us any better for her death. It is a deep shock.
Releasing the Spirit
There are many customs and rituals for an interment. Broken clay pots are found all over the world in burial grounds, as people of various cultures broke an object as a symbol of the broken body and to release the spirit. Releasing the spirit. It speaks of transition, transformation, and freedom.
We wanted something beyond mere words to help us express the meaning of this moment in time as we say our final goodbye here at Angela’s final resting place. Today we create a special ritual honouring our beloved Angela. Most of us remember seeing Angela with a water bottle in hand, her drink of choice.
So, we will perform a ritual in our own way and break a water bottle to symbolize the release of Angela’s spirit. The bottle, the container, symbolizes the body and the fragility of life. Angela was born under the Scorpio fixed water sign. There is no life without water. Water can change from liquid to solid to vapor and is the epitomal symbol for metamorphosis.
Just as we cannot put the water back into the bottle once it is poured on the ground, or put the bottle back into its prior state, so too the body and spirit of Angela has transformed.
With all these ideas in mind, and whatever it may mean to you, I will now pour the water and break the bottle to symbolize both our grief and to release the spirit.
Because she lived, there was more courage in the world, more determination, more adventure, more love for dogs, more music … more of all that Angela loved and that we loved in Angela. We celebrate that she is now truly free.
(Celebrant pours the water and breaks the bottle.)
Helen Keller once said this about Death: “Death is no more than passing from one room into another. But there’s a difference for me, you know. Because in that other room I shall be able to see.” Although we all have restrictions on us in some way, it’s fair to say that not all of us respond with the determination and courage that Angela did, and many of the challenges we face are considerably less than hers. In that other room, Angela will have no tethers on who she was. What a truly wonderful thing to imagine. And this is the rest we release her to: rest from the restraints she experienced in this life. Those limits are gone now.
PRAYER
O God of hope and healing, we gather in your presence because we don’t know what to do with our hearts at this time of loss. Grant that we may go from this place empowered by your strengthening presence. Welcome Angela’s body that will soon return to the embrace of the maternal earth and sustain her angelic spirit in the joyful celebration of eternity. Be with those of us who grieve in the weeks to come and help us to see that though Angela no longer walks beside us, we are blessed by her legacy of love and music.
Amen.
(Funeral director pours sand in sign of cross on casket, then gives flowers to mourners gathered to place on the casket.)
What to Expect During a Graveside Service?
Let me paint a picture of what you can expect during a graveside service.
Guests will arrive over a span of about 15 minutes. Everyone will wait while the casket or urn is moved into position. Then they will be encouraged to gather around the grave site as closely as possible, or if there are chairs, immediate family and those unable to stand for any length of time will sit.
Guests act dignified and respectful and conversation is kept to a minimum and ceases once the officiant signals the start of the service. The officiant will position themselves at the front of the space as will the funeral directors.
The usual order of service includes a welcome and thanks, an opening prayer or reading, a brief eulogy or story about the loved one, a ritual of some sort and a closing poem or prayer. There may be pre recorded or even live music at some point during the service.
Guests may be asked to participate in a call and response pattern or to place a flower on the casket or grave and possibly shovel or drop a handful of earth into the grave.
Upon request, the casket can be lowered into the ground, but most that I have witnessed wait to do this until after everyone has left. Customs vary depending on your location. Sometimes the funeral director or officiant will create the symbol of a cross on the casket using sand in a small vial, if your beloved is a Christian.
If unsure of what you should and should not do, just follow the lead of others.
What is Graveside Service Etiquette?
Graveside service etiquette varies with families. Generally, and traditionally the first thing that comes to mind when discussing the subject is how mourners are expected to dress. Conservative attire in subdued colours or black has been the norm for generations of people. Today, it may not be surprising to be asked to wear a favourite colour of the deceased, wear a memorial ribbon, armband, or button, or perhaps sport the hockey sweater of his or her team of choice. If you are a male, remove your hat as a sign of respect.
Take care not to tread on graves, plaques. and memorial stones as you make your way to the location of the service.
Unless you have the grieving family’s permission, please refrain from using your smartphone at the graveside. It is not only considered inappropriate, but it also could be interpreted as an invasion of privacy at a very vulnerable time. Do not forget to silence your cell phone before the service begins.
Keep verbal condolences immediately following the service to a minimum. Saying less is best.
How do You Personalize a Graveside Service?
There are so many ways to personalize a graveside service and those ways are only limited by your imagination.
By choosing an urn with the deceased interests in mind, it makes it easier to pay tribute to the special person they were. A lady who loved tea, why not use a cherished teapot to house her ashes? A gentleman whose favourite game was golf, why not drop some well played golf balls into the grave? Or escort his urn to the graveside in a procession of golf carts. Did she love to bake cookies for the grandchildren – then a cookie jar urn makes a lot of sense. If she were fond of jewelry her jewelry box as an urn would be perfect!
Many families have been thinking outside of the box, no pun intended, by decorating the casket or urn using paints or sharpies. Showcase your loved one’s hobbies or sports in floral arrangements, using balls of wool and knitting needles for a knitter and skates and a puck for a hockey player.
Was he or she an artist? Then display their favourite works on easels around the gravesite. For a highly participatory service, ask guests to bring their favourite photo of the deceased and share a sentence or two about what they love about it. Children can be encouraged to draw to express their feelings and share how the loss affects them.
Just as a picture is worth a thousand words, so too well-chosen music speaks volumes, touches hearts, and evokes memories in such a meaningful and even tribal way. A soloist, a cellist or violinist creates an ambiance conducive to reflection on the rite of passage of the loved one arriving at their destination, their final resting place. Listening to a loved one’s favourite music at some point in the service helps mourners to connect and learn just a little bit more about what made their loved one tic.
My mother was a baker extraordinaire and she was known far and wide for many delectable treats, but the favourite of all was her gingerbread muffins. Not only were muffins baked for the service, but the recipe was typed out and shared so that her baking legacy would carry on. Did your loved one enjoy a favourite chocolate bar or tea – give out samples. If he or she was an avid gardener – seed packages to be planted in memory are wonderful little gifts.
Setting up the sacred space with treasured items of the deceased says so much without words, but offers up so much food for thought. Symbolic ways of letting go like blowing bubbles allows for laughter midst the grief and does not hurt the environment like balloons can.
What are Beautiful Readings and Poems for a Graveside Service?
Though there are quite a few traditional scriptures that have stood the test of time at graveside services, they are not necessarily appropriate for everyone. For the spiritual, but not religious clients, these are some of my favourites.
~
When We Lose a Loved Ones
By an Anonymous Author
When we lose a loved one
Our world just falls apart
We think that we can’t carry on
With this broken heart
Everything is different now
You’re upset and you’re annoyed
Your world it seems is shattered
There’s such an awful void
There’s got to be a reason
And we have to understand
God made us and at any time
Hell reach down for our hand
There might not be a warning
We won’t know where or when
The only thing were certain of
Is well meet them once again.
~
If I Should Die Before the Rest of You
By Joyce Grenfell
If I should die before the rest of you
Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone
Nor, when I’m gone, speak in a Sunday voice,
But be the usual selves that I have known.
Weep if you must
Parting is hell.
But life goes on.
So sing as well.
~
Go Dancing
By Ruth Burgess
Into the freedom of wind and sunshine
We let you go
Into the dance of the stars and the planets
We let you go
Into the wind’s breath and the hands of the star maker
We let you go
We love you, we miss you, we want you to be happy
Go safely, go dancing, go running home
~
You’ve Just Walked on Ahead of Me
By Joyce Grenfell
And I’ve got to understand
You must release the ones you love
And let go of their hand.
I try and cope the best I can
But I’m missing you so much
If I could only see you
And once more feel your touch.
Yes, you’ve just walked on ahead of me
Don’t worry I’ll be fine
But now and then I swear I feel
Your hand slip into mine.
~
Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep
By Mary Frye
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there.
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there.
I did not die.
~
Related Articles
~
God Saw You Getting Tired
By Frances and Kathleen Coelh
God saw you getting tired
And a cure was not to be
So he put His arms around you
And whispered “Come to me.”
With tearful eyes we watched you
As you slowly slipped away
And though we loved you dearly
We couldn’t make you stay.
Your golden heart stopped beating
Your tired hands put to rest
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best
~
She is Gone (He is Gone)
By David Harkins
You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
~
All is Well
By Henry Scott Holland
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.
~
I Give You This One Thought to Keep
By an Anonymous Author
I give you this one thought to keep.
I am with you still. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on the snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone.
I am with you still in each new dawn.
~
To My Father
By Georgia Harkness
A giant pine, magnificent and old
Stood staunch against the sky and all around
Shed beauty, grace and power.
Within its fold birds safely reared their young.
The velvet ground beneath was gentle,
and the cooling shade gave cheer to passers by.
Its towering arms a landmark stood, erect and unafraid,
As if to say, “Fear naught from life’s alarms”.
It fell one day.
Where it had dauntless stood was loneliness and void.
But men who passed paid tribute – and said,
“To know this life was good,
It left it’s mark on me. Its work stands fast”.
And so it lives. Such life no bonds can hold –
This giant pine, magnificent and old.
~
The Broken Chain
By an Anonymous Author
We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name,
In life we loved you dearly; in death we do the same
It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone.
For part of us went with you, the day God called you home
You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide,
And though we cannot see you, you are always at our side
Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same,
But as God call us us one by one, the chain will link again.
~
As We Look Back
By an Anonymous Author
As we look back over time
We find ourselves wondering …..
Did we remember to thank you enough
For all you have done for us?
For all the times you were by our sides
To help and support us …..
To celebrate our successes
To understand our problems
And accept our defeats?
Or for teaching us by your example,
The value of hard work, good judgment,
Courage and integrity?
We wonder if we ever thanked you
For the sacrifices you made.
To let us have the very best?
And for the simple things
Like laughter, smiles and times we shared?
If we have forgotten to show our
Gratitude enough for all the things you did,
We’re thanking you now.
And we are hoping you knew all along,
How much you meant to us.
~
Legacy of Love
By an Anonymous Author
A wife, a mother, a grandma too,
This is the legacy we have from you
You taught us love and how to fight
You gave us strength, you gave us might.
A stronger person would be hard to find,
And in your heart you were always kind.
You fought for us all in one way or another
Not just as a wife not just as a mother.
For all of us you gave your best
And now the time has come for you to rest.
So go in peace, you’ve earned your sleep,
Your love in our hearts we’ll eternally keep.
~
His Journey’s Just Begun
By Ellen Brenneman
Don’t think of him as gone away
his journey’s just begun,
life holds so many facets
this earth is only one.
Just think of him as resting
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years.
Think how he must be wishing
that we could know today
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.
And think of him as living
in the hearts of those he touched…
for nothing loved is ever lost
and he was loved so much.
~
Not, How Did He Die, but How Did He Live?
By an Anonymous Author
Not, how did he die, but how did he live?
Not, what did he gain, but what did he give?
These are the units to measure the worth
Of a man as a man, regardless of his birth.
Nor what was his church, nor what was his creed?
But had he befriended those really in need?
Was he ever ready, with words of good cheer,
To bring back a smile, to banish a tear?
Not what did the sketch in the newspaper say,
But how many were sorry when he passed away?
~
Miss Me, But Let Me Go
By Christina Rosetti
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little, but not for long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that once we shared
Miss me, but let me go.
For this is a journey we all must take
And each must go alone.
It’s all part of the master plan
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick at heart
Go the friends we know.
Laugh at all the things we used to do
Miss me, but let me go.
When I am dead my dearest
Sing no sad songs for me
Plant thou no roses at my head
Nor shady cypress tree
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet
And if thou wilt remember
And if thou wilt, forget.
I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not fear the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on as if in pain;
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget.
~
Love is Immortal
By an Anonymous Author
Love is pure energy and
No matter how hard you try,
You can never kill love
Because pure energy can’t die
The feeling of love can fade,
And the body can cease to give,
But the energy created by love
Is immortal and continues
To live.
~
Epitaph on a Friend
By Robert Burns
An honest man here lies at rest,
As e’er God with His image blest:
The friend of man, the friend of truth;
The friend of age, and guide of youth:
Few hearts like his, with virtue warm’d,
Few heads with knowledge so inform’d:
If there’s another world, he lives in bliss;
If there is none, he made the best of this.
~
How Can a Life-Cycle Celebrant Help You Plan a Meaningful Graveside Service?
Ensuring that the graveside service of your loved one is both meaningful and personal will bring you and your guests to that important and sought after feeling of closure. You have done right by honouring him or her and they would be proud of the time, effort and positive effect well designed ceremony can be.
Grief can be so overwhelming, but connecting to nature, whether it be rain drops mixing with your tears, wind blowing through your hair or sunshine on your face reminding you that there are better days ahead, helps the service and all that it involves seem more natural. Peaceful surroundings accompanied by words of wisdom, hope and memory performed by an expert speaker will envelope you in comfort.
Good ceremony gets the job done, but outstanding ceremony orchestrated by an excellent speaker leaves mourners feeling uplifted and supported even in the fog of their grief.
The best trained people in the world who specialize in ceremony creation are Life Cycle™ Celebrants. Some people may call themselves celebrants, but they don’t have the in-depth training that certified Life Cycle™ Celebrants do.
Further Resources
If you are planning a graveside service, here are further resources on Love Lives On that you may find helpful:
- How a Life Cycle™ Celebrant can help you plan a meaningful ceremony
- How to plan a funeral
- Expert advice on buying a burial casket
- The average cost of a burial plot (and other facts you need to know)
- 150+ best poems for funerals
- Funeral flowers (and their secret meanings)
- 200+ best funeral songs
About the Author
Marilyn Dion is a Life-Cycle Celebrant®, specifically trained and experienced to perform weddings, funerals, memorials commitments and other ceremonies to honour the milestones in your life. As owner and operator of Woven Words Ceremonies, she honours all philosophies, beliefs and traditions — secular, spiritual, religious and interfaith.
With you, she will create a beautiful ceremony that will respect and reflect your values, your style and your life. You can be as unique, creative, formal, or informal, as you wish. She will listen to you, make suggestions, and in the end, you and your family will have the perfect ceremony.
Be sure to contact Marilyn if you need help designing a beautiful and meaningful ceremony in Southwest Ontario. You’ll be so glad that you did!
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